The Son Who Never Died

I am a taphophile. It’s a recent discovery. Now, if you aren’t quite sure what a taphophile is you can go right ahead and forgive yourself. I didn’t know myself until not so long ago. Not to worry though, it may be grave, but it’s not contagious. You either dig being a taphophile, or you don’t.

I enjoy walking through graveyards, be it day or night. I’ve even walked along their intersecting pathways on Halloween nights, to my wife’s chagrin and utter dismay. Contrary to the impression that many may hold in mind, I do not find them at all to be an unnerving or intimidating place. Instead, they instill in me a certain sense of calm, serenity and peace.

A picture of a grave stone marker.

Strolling past finely manicured lawns and gardens in full bloom emboldens my spirit and lightens my mood. The soft hue of gradient greens enveloping row upon row of stone crosses and marble markers. Bending beneath the low hanging willow boughs shading strategically placed benches where loved ones of the deceased reflect in silence and solace.

There’s a place I know where I take you each day
From whence my spirit laughs and my soul does play
Sweet winds blow gently down carpets of green
Soft willows bow gracefully to the Earth, their queen

A park bench along a cemetery pathway.

Throughout it all, a certain timelessness and beauty are conveyed, such that it would have me sit there for hours on end, communing among the living and the dead. The perfect place to get lost in thought, drifting and floating along in surreal worlds between azure blue skies and neatly clipped Kentucky grasses.

Soft undulating breezes orchestrate a symphony of sound as leaves flitter and flutter about. Sun rays cut through the hanging branches of maples and oaks projecting a shadowy silhouetted cosmic dance on the ground below.

Sunshine shining on leaves.

Being that I have friends who are also taphophiles, occasionally I am not alone. Such was the case late one evening, several years back when. Only this time, my visit, was not about beauty or serenity but was rather prompted by desperation. The anguish of love lost but not in the traditional sense of the words.

Earlier that day, my dear companion had occasion to go to the hospital. It wasn’t a pleasant visit. After months of confusion and dismay, she was forced to make an unwanted decision that no parent ever wishes to make. She had to bring her son in for specialized care. He had become ill, and though she hoped for the best in her heart of hearts she sincerely doubted that things would end well.

A picture of a hospital hallway

It had been several weeks since her son had begun to act erratically. At first, she thought he was merely teasing her in some strange fashion, making odd with his comments and actions. Being that he had always been somewhat comedic, she initially brushed off his peculiar behavior. Soon enough though, it became more than apparent that something indeed was very wrong. Her son’s demeanor and conduct were becoming increasingly disconcerting.

She hastily arranged an appointment with her family doctor hoping to shed light on the problem. Soon enough, perhaps too soon, she was given her son’s diagnosis, and the news wasn’t good. Her dear beloved child had fallen into a malaise of schizophrenia. She hadn’t seen it coming, and there was no explanation given. It just was what it was. At once, her mind became overrun with fear and anxiety. It’s hard to act rationally when no rationale exists.

A picture of mother and son figurines.

This incomprehensible series of tragic events was brought to a head this day. She did her best to remain calm and collected instinctively going into “mother mode” as she packed her son’s belongings. She reassured him that all would be well in the end, though internally she feared such would never be the case.

Arriving at the designated hospital entrance, she resignedly parked the car and walked with her son into the mental health ward. It was a crisscrossing labyrinth of freshly polished hallways leading this way and that. She followed the signs overhead making her way methodically to the drop off point.

There are few things more terrifying in a parent’s life than having to let your child go then turn your back and walk away. She did her best to remain stalwart and brave, her vision blurred by tears. She described to me through those very same tears how she had struggled to find her way out through the maze of connecting hallways and closed doors. No one had taken the time to comfort her or escort her back to the parking lot. It had been altogether so clinical, callous and cold.

A surreal picture of several doors.

Later that evening, while parked toward the rear end of the cemetery, we hugged each other tightly in her car. It had all been so devasting. I tried my best to comfort her. We cried, we talked, we even laughed a bit. Humour can sometimes be an awkward healer at the strangest of times.

She slowly played out the events of her day for me. She needed to release her feelings of guilt and anger. “It’s like your son has died,” she said to me, in an attempt for me to better relate. “Like he has died, but he’s still right there in front of you.” I realized from our previous conversations what it was she was attempting to convey. Her son’s personality had changed so dramatically that he was no longer the same boy she once knew, no more the dear child she had loved and raised. She found herself in the almost surreal circumstance of parenting a complete stranger.

A black and white picture of mother and son

I felt that any response I gave would be superfluous to the point of condescending, so I just sat there and listened.  Why? Why him? What was the lesson to be learned? “If only,” she pleaded, her voice shaking through sobs, “If only I could just get a sign, any sign, that my son is going to be ok.”

Those words had no sooner fallen from her lips when my attention was drawn away by something over her left shoulder. “What’s that?” I wondered aloud. My asking caught her off guard. She quickly turned to see what it was that I was enquiring about. It took a moment for us to focus. It took another still to finally realize what it was we were both gazing at.

We stared in silence, looking out in unison through the driver side window. “What is that?” we asked rhetorically. Transfixed, we peered outward with a blended sense of curiosity, astonishment, and fear. For there, just several yards beyond the car hovered a bright neon green ball of energy. Approximately one foot in diameter the object shone brightly enough to light up the surrounding area. Remaining stationary, it floated in mid-air about five or so feet off of the ground. It seemed to be rotating on its own axis. What appeared to be small miniature lightning bolts, several inches in length, shot forth from its main body. Again, we spoke out in unison, “What the hell is that thing?”

Our mouths fell open in dismay as we collectively stared out the car window toward the strange object. It continued to spin in and around itself, spitting and sputtering electric energy here and there. Then suddenly, as fast as it had come, it vanished. All in all, it had remained there for about ten or so seconds. We turned our heads back toward one another and laughed nervously. Once again we asked ourselves, “what the freak was that?”

A stone angel in a graveyard.

Feeling as though any immediate threat was now over, I stepped cautiously out of the car and walked over and stood where the ball of green light had once been. Not knowing exactly what it was I was expecting to see or find, I looked around aimlessly for some explanation. “I don’t see anything,” I said, glancing back at her

Then intuitively something within directed my eyes downward. I couldn’t believe it at first. There, implanted in the ground directly between my feet I saw it. The significance of what I was perceiving hit me all at once. I looked back over to my friend, urging her, “Come here, you have to see this,” She opened the car door and stepped across next to where I stood. “Look”, I said with a smile, my finger indicating to the object below. 

A cherub in a cemetery.

She reached out and put her arms around my waist realizing, as I did, exactly what it was she was looking at. A sense of calm returned to us both. We knew then, in that very moment, that her prayer had just been answered. The sign she had so desperately sought was now at her very feet. For directly beneath us, standing as we were that somber summer night, lay a small indistinct grave marker embossed with just one single word. SON

A mother and son watching a sunset.


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33 thoughts on “The Son Who Never Died

  1. I am a total tadophile, but I didn’t know that until this post haha. I LOVE cemeteries. I don’t care how morbid it sounds. They are so peaceful and beautiful, I love going there!

    What a sad story you told :(. My dad was in an accident and suffered a brain injury several years back. He’s okay for the most part, but not quite the same as he was before. So I completely understand the feeling of someone being gone yet right in front of you. 🙁

    1. tenzendude says:

      Thank you Sam.

  2. iyalouisa says:

    Cemeteries are not my thing! Not that I am scared or anything I just cant handle the emotional attachments with them.

  3. My grandfather had Alzheimer’s for a few years before he died and it was the same devastating feeling you described. Even though they are sitting right there, it’s like the person you know is no longer around.

  4. I have never heard of the term taphophile. I enjoy the tranquility of graveyards during the day but it still gives me the chills. There is something so depressing and sad about them.

  5. That’s a really touching story! I have not hard this term before nut I have seen some of the most beautiful places in cemeteries so you do need to appreciate how symbolic they are!

  6. In many ways I can relate to the mother in your story. While my son didn’t suffer from schizophrenia, he was a drug addict from the age of 15 until 22. I remember feeling like he was changing right before my eyes and I was losing him. I remember what it was like to drop him off at treatment (again and again). While our story has a happier ending (he’s predictably sober now and holding a job), there were days I feared it would end the other way ..

    1. tenzendude says:

      I am glad all turned out well for you Ali.

  7. What an emotional story. I’m not big on visiting cemeteries, but I’ve been to one on All Saints Day in Eastern Europe and it was one of the most amazing evenings in my life – it was filled with people and brightly lit with candles. Simply breath taking…

    1. tenzendude says:

      That sounds like it would have been incredible Mira.

  8. I’m amazed about you being a taphophile, I find solemnity in cemeteries, but there’s also an emotional part that I can’t stand too long. Though this is a heartwarming story, really moved by the situation especially for mom’s part.

  9. I can relate with being a taphophile. I used to read novels and books after university in the cementry back in the day. I find it a very quiet and peaceful place. The story you have written is sad and i hope God gives you the strength to pull through.

  10. See when I was younger I found cemeteries fascinating and loved learning about when people had died and the circumstances of their death because I have always loved history. But in recent years with the fear of death, I have become less connected to cemeteries as I am scared of the unknown. I was saddened by the story of the son who had changed before his mothers eyes but I hope she can find peace in the sign she was given by that ‘son marker’.

    1. tenzendude says:

      She is destined to be a caregiver in life. So her son remains afflicted but lives on his own now thanks to medication and a community support program. She unfortunately has spent the past two weeks in hospital with her spouse who has cancer. Years ago she housed and cared for her mother who died of Alzheimer’s. In her last few months of life her mother called my friend, “the girl” having no recall of who she actually was. That was tough for her. She has also endured a house fire wherein she lost everything. She’s had a rough go in life this poor girl.

  11. I often visit cemeteries when travelling. I find it’s a great place to get sort of a secret glimpse on the city’s history, the families etc. Some of them – and not only Pere Lachaise – are like open air museums. I also love to visit the graves of celebrities that I admire…ok, that would be mainly at Pere Lachaise.

    1. tenzendude says:

      I will have to check that one out. I never seem to get out of Charles de Gualle airport unfortunately.

  12. Sigrid Says Blog says:

    Oh….I have two friends who are also tapophiles. They really have these cemetery tours. I am not really one to go but maybe if there are heroes buried there, I would visit their grave.

  13. Such an intense story there. The whole thing is just pretty incredible. I just think the whole ball of energy and still being alive even in death. Just beautiful.

    1. tenzendude says:

      It was an incredible experience. Not my only paranormal experience in that cemetery.

  14. Jennifer Prince says:

    Oh my goodness! What an interesting story. And I, too, adore cemeteries. It’s so interesting to read the epitaphs and the dates.

  15. vincent388 says:

    That is beautiful, I do believe spirits can exist separately from body, and it’s incredible how they can show themselves to loved ones at times of their distress…Right before my 10-year-pet passed, I experienced a similar sign from him and indeed felt the same wave of calmness and comfort.

    1. tenzendude says:

      I am pleased that you received such a wonderful sign.

  16. I do not like cemeteries. I don’t find them scary at all or anything, but I don’t like them anyway. The Bible says that when we are die our soul is in one of two places. My loved ones body may be in a cemetery, but their soul is no longer there.

  17. Oh gosh this made me so emotional. I hate the cemetery, mainly because my second son is buried in the cemetery by our house and all of our visits are filled with such sadness and loss. My children find it a happy place as they are close to their brother, but for me, it is filled with regret and what ifs.

    1. tenzendude says:

      That is tragic. Although, I am sure your son doesnt wish for you to suffer mentally or emotionally anymore.

  18. Christina Pilat says:

    I have always found cemeteries interesting and kind of beautiful. I think that people get weirded out by them but there are people in these cemeteries that shouldn’t be forgotten about.

  19. I have been to cemetries a few times but found them to be very calming and reassuring. I love the story in this post, very touchy and I couldnot help but read till the end. Hope your friend gets the courage to go through this phase. I am sure her son will be fine soon.

    1. tenzendude says:

      It was some 8 or so years ago. He lives on his own now with the help of community care services.

  20. That sound like fear fighter but frankly speaking I am afraid of graveyards and cementaries alot.

  21. I have a couple of close friends who are tapophiles. So I am really surprised that there are more. That’s a sentimental story you shared. 🙁

    1. tenzendude says:

      I am glad you enjoyed it.

  22. I had no clue what a tadophile was either. But I do like the peace and serenity in those places. It’s a place of silence contemplation and it’s beautiful.

  23. Elizabeth O says:

    Oh wow what a story this is, I am so glad your friend got her sign. It is incredible how the world works like this. I had no idea about tadophiles it was interesting to find out.

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